One thing I get asked all the time about being in an open relationship is “Why?”
For me the answer is simple, my partner and I wanted to explore more sexually than we could as just a couple. So we started our open relationship as a threesome only situation. And we progressed to where we are today.
And where are we today? We are able to see others as long as the other person knows about every encounter. I trust that when he’s having sex with other men, that he tells me, and he trusts that I will tell him about every experience that I have.
And there is where 99% of men have a major issue. Trust. It’s hard to trust. Humans instinctually don’t trust; it’s a defense mechanism. A lack of trust keeps us safe, it keeps us “on guard.” When we let down our guard, we get hurt. It happens.
So, if you’re thinking about opening up your relationship, you need to ask yourself a few questions.
- Do I trust myself to always tell my partner when I sleep with another man?
- Do I trust that he will do the same?
- Do I trust myself that when I feel a certain way, when I get hurt, that I can share it with my partner?
- Can I trust myself and him to follow our rules?
The type of trust that an open relationship takes is so much more than trusting your partner, it’s also about trusting yourself. And that take some pretty serious reflection.
Not all couples in open relationships share each experience with the other partner. That’s fine if it works for you, but I’m writing about my experiences and sharing my ideas and thoughts to help others. Leave a comment and let’s talk about other possibilities.
5 comments:
Are you ever worried that either of you will find something better?
I think too often that most straights assume all gay couples are in open relationships (and we assume straights aren't). I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Each couple has its own dynamic of what works for them. My partner and I could never be in an open relationship (even after 30 years), but I have seen many open relationships that work well (both gay and straight).
I think it all depends on how you were made. Some folks just know that monogamy is too hard and don't find it worth the effort, others do. Just another personal preferance of what works for you, not a question of right and wrong.
When it comes to "right or wrong" it's a question for you and your partner. That's it. No one else.
There are, of course, social norms that people feel pressured to conform to. But then there are the norms that say we should even be discussing anything gay.
"Am I ever worried that either of us will find something better?"
At first I was horrified about the prospect.
But after some time, and talking about that fear with my partner, I'm not worried anymore. Neither of us are looking for another partner.
There's definitely people I want to spend time with and get to know, but I'm not looking to fall in love again. I already am in love. I've actually made a few good friends out of this open relationship; people that I won't ever sleep with, but just good friends.
Sort of odd when you meet someone on a site like Adam4Adam or Grindr that you actually end up becoming friends.
And he now has one guy that he regularly sees, no one else. That freaked me out at first, but now the three of us are friends and we go out and do stuff together, like eat, shop, and go boating.
Just to add my 2 cents, I have been in an 2 open and now in a "don't ask don't tell", I was left by both guys in the open relationship with a guy we did a three-way and the other with a trick he picked up. I glad it works for you, but for me the "Don't ask" works fine. Really loved that you put yourself out there.
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