Review: “Getting Levi’s Johnson”

Studio: Jet Set Men
Director: Chris Steele
Year Released: 2010
Running Time: 120 minutes

The main problem I have with porn comedies is simple: they’re usually not very funny. To be fair, porn directors aren’t working with performers known for their comedic timing, let alone acting skills. Also, a good comedy first starts with a good script. Yet another thing porn isn’t known for is its excellence in screenwriting, let alone using scripts to begin with. So when a porn film comes along that tries to rise above its station (i.e. making a topical spoof vs. a typical wall-to-wall sex-a-thon) and doesn’t quite succeed, I find my attention diverted to things I would otherwise ignore (i.e. cheap sets cobbled together in a weekend, backdrops so fake even soaps wouldn’t use them, performers who forget to take off their socks). Such was the issue I had with Getting Levi’s Johnson, a take-off on the meteoric (or mediocre, depending on who you ask) rise to gay-icon fame of Bristol Paylin’s babby daddy. But you’ll notice I said it doesn’t *quite* succeed. There are definitely things that work here; namely, THE SEX! It’s the comedy that falls just a bit short. But are we really watching this for laughs, anyway? Yeah…didn’t think so. The film should be heralded as the first starring role of A-FUCKING-DORABLE Casey Monroe as Levi (Monroe does bear a striking resemblance to the real thing). He’s a porn superstar in the making, IMHO, and also my next husband (put a ring on it!). Let’s fire up the DVD player and get the party started!

Scene one takes place in Levi’s dressing room at the 2009 Fleshbot awards, where he has been given the “porn crossover” statuette. He’s chatting with his security guard, played by legendary muscle god Mark Dalton (rocking more tattoos than I remember him having), about whether or not to pose nude for “Playguy”. Dalton confesses to being on the cover of the mag in 2006, but Levi (Monroe) doesn’t recognize him. Why a straight dude would remember another dude from the cover of Playguy is beyond me. Dalton performs a strip tease for Monroe to try and jog his memory. The more clothes he takes off, the more Monroe remembers him (natch!). Dalton is in fine form, both physically and sexually. The strip tease turns into a J.O. show with Monroe seated front-row, center. Dalton’s just here to jerk off, as that’s his M.O., but that’s just fine with Monroe. I don’t usually care for solos as I find them boring, but Dalton really gives his all here (even bending down occasionally to try and suck his own dick!). There’s a great shot of him spreading his chiseled cheeks and flaunting his hairless, tempting pucker. “You remember this?” he asks Monroe. “That’s an ass that’s pretty hard to forget!” he responds. When Dalton blows his load he jams two fingers in his mouth and sticks his tongue out between them, vocalizing some really delicious moans and groans. If this were a live show I totally would have put money in his sock, trust me.

Next we’re at “Vanity Flair” headquarters in Manhattan. Studly editor Dallas Reeves can’t seem to get cute, faux-hawked assistant Luke Marcum to stop Tweeting on his cell phone. Naturally he decides to feed Marcum his prick to keep him focused on more work-related matters. Marcum has no reservations about chowing down on his handsome boss’ dick and hairy hole (trust me; you wouldn’t, either). Reeves sits back in a chair, legs in the air, and fingers his hole while Marcum licks his shaft and balls. Reeves keeps his black dress socks on throughout and my question is: why? Why do some guys in porn take off all their clothes EXCEPT the socks? Is it a fetish thing? It’s just so distracting to me. I find myself focusing on the frigging socks and not on the sex. Black socks in porn triggers my A.D.D. like a strobe light triggers an epileptic.

The amorous duo move into a 69 with Reeves on top, taking Marcum’s cock down his throat and then prepping his hole with fingers and tongue. Marcum faces Reeves on the chair and squats ass down on his schlong, then later goes for a ride doggy style over the desk with Reeves in the driver’s seat. I didn’t see this one coming, but the scene turns into a doggy-flip-flop fuck with Marcum now taking Reeves’ ass over said desk. Both shoot impressive loads on each other’s chests (all the cum shots in this feature are repeated from two different angles).

Out of all five scenes in this feature, the Reeves/Marcum matchup is the weakest. Why? It’s the ultra clichéd, auto-pilot porn dialogue that never seems to end (“Ride that dick!”; “Gimme that cock!”; “Oh, your ass is so tight!”; “Oh, your dick is so big!”) and throws a wet blanket on whatever heat these two work up. If you’ve been watching porn for any length of time, you can guess exactly what the next line will be. If you turned this scene into a drinking game and took a shot every time you heard “Oh, fuck yeah!” you’d be plastered into next century. Actually, here's an idea: just turn the damn sound off.

On a rooftop high above the city, Casey Monroe has just finished doing a photo shoot for Vanity Flair. He’s chillin’ like a villain with the shoot’s assistant, Brent Corrigan. Corrigan tells him how everyone wants to see him naked and asks him if he has scratch and sniff nipples or something. Corrigan comes off as very confident on camera and his dialogue seems more improvised and relaxed than stiff and scripted. It made me wonder if the whole scene was adlibbed. Monroe asks what he would do in his situation about posing nude for Playguy, to which Corrigan replies he’d whip it out and laugh all the way to the bank. Monroe follows this sage wisdom takes his cock out of his trousers and whips it back and forth for Corrigan’s pleasure. He doesn’t need much encouragement from Monroe to drop to his knees and snack on it. Monroe is gifted with a nice uncut dick with a throat-friendly downward curve and the greatest set of low hangers I’ve seen in some time. Corrigan is no slouch in the cock-sucking department and gives that banana-shaped knob a great workout.

Monroe lifts Corrigan up, carries him over to the a.c. unit and lays him down on it (it’s kind of sweet, truthfully) and returns the oral favors in kind. Corrigan is a definite pro, but I’d say Monroe gives the better b.j. here. He takes Corrigan’s prick down his throat, slowly working the shaft up and down with one hand, and there’s a tendril of spit from Corrigan’s cock head to Monroe’s bottom lip (nice!). There’s passion and chemistry between the two as Monroe tenderly kisses Corrigan’s abs, slowly working his way up to his nipple, then finally giving him a full kiss on the lips. Corrigan says “You Alaskan boys know what you’re doing” and Monroe gives him a sly, sexy wink as he slurps on his stick. Monroe leaves his black dress socks on as well, and something tells me director Chris Steele has a serious sock fetish (get yer grind on, Mr Steele!).

With one foot on the roof, the other on the ledge and his butt sticking out, Corrigan lets Monroe enter his star-tattooed ass against the city skyline (the painted backdrop looks none too convincing as you can clearly see it bending outwards towards the top; last time I checked skyscrapers don’t bend). Nice sounds of Monroe’s thighs slapping hard against Corrigan’s butt checks and even greater visuals of his huge nut sack swinging back and forth like a pendulum. Corrigan is then flat on his back again on the a.c. with Monroe plowing him missionary style. Corrigan looks terrific getting banged and his cock stays rock hard throughout the pounding. He wittily pleads “Fuck me with that Wasilla cock!” We’re treated to another great camera shot, this time featuring Monroe’s big, floppy balls banging against Corrigan’s butt. And he certainly knows how to plow butt with nice, slow, deep strokes. The touching thing about this scene (can porn actually be touching?) is that he fucks Corrigan like he’s just as concerned with his pleasure as he is with his own. Corrigan blows his load while getting pumped full of the aforementioned Wasilla wang. Monroe blasts his load all over Corrigan. A passionate kiss finishes out the randy-rooftop proceedings.

The next scene is a bit ridiculous, and it’s not the sex that’s to blame. It’s due to the jarring implausibility in casting that the audience is supposed to accept. In a flashback to his senior year in high school, Levi (this time incredulously played by Tommy G) and another hockey-playing jock (mad-skilled power-bottom Landon Mycles) go at it hot-n-heavy in the locker room. Tommy G, while definitely an attractive guy with a great body, looks nothing like Casey Monroe (who does bear a resemblance to the real Levi), has tattoos on his body that are completely different from those on Monroe’s, and looks to be about the same age as Monroe. Why the heck did director Chris Steele cast a different actor play 18-year-old Levi who looks nothing like Monroe AND looks to be the same age as he is? Why wasn’t Monroe simply put in this scene? OK, here’s the deal: Steele is such a smoking-hot daddy (and an accomplished performer in his own right) that I have a really tough time getting all up in his gorgeous grill about this whack-a-doodle bit of direction. But hot daddy or not, I still question his casting choice here.

Back to the scene, Mycles eagerly yanks down G’s work-out shorts and effortlessly takes his hockey stick all the way down his thirsty gullet (at one point taking all of G’s cock and both balls in his mouth). Mycles is a Grade A cock sucker, servicing G with a deep-throated, slurpy-sounding hummer complete with stringy strands of saliva dangling down from his talented kisser. One word: YUM! There’s a great shot (actually there are a lot of great shots in this feature, thanks to videographer Brad Austin) of him lying down on the changing bench with his hairy hole on glorious display while inhaling G’s crank. They decide to switch it up a bit and G goes down on Mycles. He doesn’t smoke pole with the finesse and aplomb of Mycles, but he makes a good effort here. G spits on his fingers and starts working Mycles’ hole, who in turn helps beef up the whole “bromance/D.L.” vibe that’s palpable between them by telling G “This is all between me and you.”

He expertly assumes the position by standing up and leaning forward, hands on the wall, legs spread apart and butt sticking straight out. G slowly guides his hard meat into his more-than-eager ass. Mycles is literally begging to be fucked at this point, and a good fucking he’s going to get. There’s another great shot (thanks again, Mr. Austin!) of G’s sausage sliding in and out of Mycles’ ravenous hole while his shaved, smooth nuts bounce off his bottom boy’s furry cheeks. A note to Landon Mycles: thank you for NOT shaving your butt, crack and hole like so many other performers in porn. Your furry bum (and your furrier-than-average bush) is a wonderful and refreshing sight. Here’s a dude that lives to get pounded, as his cries of pure bliss (at one point telling G “Your cock is perfect”) let us know. G really likes fucking Mycles and it certainly shows here. Mycles changes positions and lies flat on his back on the changing bench, feet pointed toward the ceiling, and eagerly lets G take him for another ride, this time missionary style. His cock explodes while G slowly works his prick in his rump. G then lies back against his bottom boy and jerks his cock off to a gooey finish. Fade to black with a nice, cute kiss. Awww!

At last we’re at the much-ballyhooed Playdude-photo shoot and Monroe has decided against going full monty for the publication. When the shoot is over he laments to his bodyguard (Diesel Washington) “It would have been nice to win the best bottom of the year award.” To solicit some feedback about his potentially prize-winning booty, he shows off his tuckus to Washington. He definitely likes what he sees, and pulls in shoot photographer Jesse Santana to appraise the goods as well. Santana gives Monroe’s rump the thumbs up, and quickly drops trou to show off his own assets. Washington moves in on Santana’s shit box like a stealth fighter, running his hands up and down his cheeks. With lightening speed Santana is kneeling in front of Monroe and inhaling his uncut club. He smokes Monroe’s pole with glee while pulling down on his heavy nut sack. The oral action really changes up quite a bit, with Monroe going down on Washington’s note-worthy stick (the pale-skinned cutie looks so friggin’ adorable with a big black dick in his mouth), Santana chowing down on Washington’s chocolate bar, and Monroe choking on Santana’s chicken. Santana doesn’t know the meaning of the words “gag reflex” and effortlessly deep throats Washington’s schvantz. At one point he even takes both Washington and Monroe in his pie hole at the same time, and later both boys take turns sucking off Washington.

Muscled-up Washington is the alpha dog in this pack of pups, as he guides all of the action. Santana and Monroe kneel down on a padded bench with their asses out as instructed by Washington, who then takes turns ferociously munching on their holes. From the looks of things, boy hole is Washington’s preferred food group. He’s like a wild animal moving from one boy to the other, pounding their sweet puckers with his tongue. Both boys flip onto their backs, again at Washington’s behest, and he goes to town on their cocks with the same abandon and hunger (and LOTS OF spit; Washington sure likes it sloppy when he’s sucking dick or munching hole).

A triple fuck erupts on the bench with Washington fucking Santana and Santana fucking Monroe. Washington is quite an accomplished top as he slams it deep into Santana’s chute. Monroe’s sweet cries of passion as he’s getting plugged by Santana are music to the ears. The fucking also changes up quite a bit as well. Monroe forcefully slams Santana missionary style, which he can’t seem to get enough of (Santana’s another excellent bottom boy on display in this film). Washington then plows Santana with his wide knob. Next up, Monroe bottoms with Washington happily in the driver’s seat. It’s evident from the slightly grimaced look on his puss to his pained-but-pleasured squeals that Monroe is not used to accommodating such a big dick in his keister. There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain (word up, Divinyls!), and clearly Monroe has crossed it. Also driving up the heat factor is the nice contrast in skin tones between Monroe’s creamy white skin and Washington’s much darker flesh. Santana and Washington blast their loads on Monroe, with Santana proving to be quite a distance shooter and Washing squeezing out a really sweet and creamy load. Monroe’s torso looks magnificent covered in spooge, and he works himself up and off to a nice climax as well.

For special features, the DVD includes a story-only edit (WHY?!), cumshot review, cast galleries, and “A Few Minutes with Lisa Ann”, an on-set interview done by director Steele with MILF-goddess Lisa Ann who plays Levi’s nemesis “Serra Paylin” in the film. I didn’t touch on Lisa Ann’s/Serra Paylin’s role as I figured y’all would want to keep the focus on the guys. But she’s a dead ringer for the real Sarah and comes off as the most accomplished actor in the cast. But the best feature is the behind-the-scenes footage with the cast, again all interviewed by director Steele. Casey Monroe practices martial arts and does some Jackie Chan-esque karate kicks for the camera. But what made my heart melt instantly in my chest was watching him do the “Single Ladies” dance while the song plays in the background. Absolutely fucking adorable (and he's straight as well, we find out). If Chris Steele is a smart man, and I think he is, he’ll snatch up Casey quickly and sign him to an exclusive contract. I, for one, look forward to Mr. Monroe’s future work. Great job, Casey! Three and a half splats.