Wednesday, September 9, 2009

10 Things I Hate About Gay Porn

I'm talking about you, Gay Porn. Yes, yes, I love most of what you do and what you do to me and for me. Gay Porn, is good, even when it's not so good. Sometimes, however, there are things I hate about my chosen field of review. Without further ado:

1. Semi-Static Camera
Ever see a porn movie where the camera seems stuck on the dick going in the ass? And you were already fastforwarding? If you have 5 minutes of static anal penetration (or head, or rimming, or anything else) it's boring! (The dick may be boring into something, but I have skipped ahead) Mix it up! Let's see some faces, what are the hands doing?

2. Hidden Recycling
Okay, I'm not talking about the "Best of" videos. Like "best of" in music, they can give you an overview of a performer's work. You get to see a performer you're interested without all of the other scenes from the movies you're not interested in. No, I'm talking about studios that release a "new" video with one scene of new material that ties 4 "repurposed" scenes that come from other movies. Looking at the box, is there way to tell? If you notice that the copyright notice has 5 years listed, you know it but that you might miss. I find it sneaky and worthy of my scorn.

3. Bad Quality DVDs
So you buy a rerelease of a classic movie that you remember fondly when it was out on VHS. You put it in the DVD player, and you're transported back, including if you had a lousy VCR. The picture displayed has black bars on the sides and a thin strip of synching on the bottom. If you as a studio are going to rerelease a video, why not minimally clean up the transfer, since your customers are buying this DVD. If you wouldn't release a new DVD with these artifacts, why is it acceptable for rereleases.

4. Disinterested straight guys
If you're getting paid to fuck, at least look like you're enjoying it. If you need to have a straight porn magazine on the back of the bottom you're fucking, then you're in the wrong field. It's a dick and a hole. I might understand if you were just jerking off, but the guy you're doing is right there. It's a fantasy, at least make it look like you're having a good time.

5. Fat Twinks
If I'm watchin' porn by and for bears, I expect some girth on the models I'm watching. A skinny, hairless guy in bear porn will be ignored. So why is a guy with a paunch acceptable in twink porn? Is it a default? (I hear the porn producers: "not hairy, no muscle, leather makes him look like wallpaper paste, . . . I know, put in in a twink film). Twinks should be thin and hairless. It's a fantasy, let's make it hot.

6. Boring Bareback
I'm not the biggest fan of bareback videos, but I'm even less a fan of videos whose only point of interest is being bareback. Horrible bareback sex is still horrible sex. I've watched bareback videos where the cameraman appeared to be a monkey that had failed to take his ritalin. Make porn that we want to watch and don't use the bareback moniker to release substandard stuff.

7. Dungeon sex
I get that it's supposed to be dark. I get that it sets the mood. What I don't get is how I get off with nothing to see. If I wanted Grandpa's "Radio Porn" (In my day, we didn't have pictures), I stream it off the net. The 'v' in DVD is supposed to be video, so let's see what's goin' on. I'm reduced to so-and-so doing something to somebody. I know brighter lighting kills the mood; maybe infrared camera porn?

8. Multiple DVDs, sometimes
Six scenes, with scenes 1-5 so long that you have to put scene 6 on another DVD. That last scene better be a barn burner, 'cause it's a lot easier to just rewind. Switching discs with lubed up hands is irritating. I like multiple discs for the extras, but if Kristen Bjorn can fit all of his scenes on a single disc, so can most porn producers.

9. "Bare" or "Bareback" in the title
Gay porn, as well as straight porn, is notorious for their funny titles. "A Beautiful Behind," "Schindler's Fist," or "In-depends Day." So how come this originality (or lack there of) goes out the window when it comes to bareback stuff. "Gotta but bare in the title or they'll be too dumb to figure it out"? The B section of the video store is huge and trying to tell them apart is a nightmare.

10, You tell me!
Okay, you got my first nine, how about you use the comments section to tell me what annoys you about gay porn. That's what it's there for. (Last thing I hate is people who don't leave comments, but that's not about gay porn).

6 comments:

huh? said...

I hate watching oral where the "active" actor can't or doesn't know how to give good head. Sure those Eastern European boys are really cute but if they want me to buy their DVD they should be able to deep throat or do more than lick a dick around the head.

Anonymous said...

I am turned on by cum swallowing and snowballing. Many facials show the whole load covering the face and little going into the mouth. I would like to see someone take the whole load and then kiss his partner with an open mouth.

Delmarva said...

Gotta leave a comment or two so Evan will feel the love . . .

I hate when a scene is being filmed from multiple cameras and the film repeats identical action from two different vantages. Always a telltale when the audio repeats 30 seconds after you first heard it.

I also hate when you see a hot guy on the cover of a dvd and pick it up and never see the guy on your screen

Pariah said...

I got the feeling you were calling out Pat Bateman/Matt murdock/Dorian Grey in number 4 but I have got to name Cody Cummings as king of all the guys completely disinterest. He won't even open his eyes while they blow him and after 2 years in the business he still would rather fuck some skank with flesh rot and a barbell through her nose than a hot guy. We get it your straight. Pack up you straight porn and you pole dancers and quit.

Ronaldo said...

I HATe it when they don't kiss, can't kiss, fake kiss.....

Anonymous said...

Wow ur so right! and i thought those things turned on other people, and apparently not...
i hate to see scenes with hot guy and another ugly guy it could actually turn off
and i don't get (maybe it's me) why does "bear" has to mean fat and derelict... i could understand hairy, muscled, a little bit chubby but there's a limit